Jacqueline Willetts

You go girl

A vast mansion is coming to life. Maids pull dustsheets off furniture; servants open shutters. Sunshine spills into the great rooms of Netherfield. outside, a glimpse of rolling parkland. TITLE: "It is a truth universally acknowledged... Its a whirlwind of activity. Servants bustle around, sweeping and polishing, readying the house for its new occupants. The shutters of a room are opened onto the imposing gardens. A coach pulls up and, through the window, we see a young man get out. "that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife" A white sheet is pulled from a spinet and obscures our vision. CUT TO: 2 EXT. LONGBOURN HOUSE - DAY. 2 Elizabeth Bennet, 20, good humoured, attractive, clearly nobody's fool, walks through a field of tall meadow grass. She is reading a novel entitled 'First Impressions'. She approaches Longbourn, a fairly run down 17th Century house with a small moat around it. Elizabeth jumps up onto a wall and crosses the moat by walking a wooden plank duck board, a reckless trick learnt in early childhood. She walks passed the back of the house where, through an open window to the library, we see her mother and father, Mr and Mrs Bennet. MRS BENNET My dear Mr Bennet, have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last? We follow Elizabeth into the house, but still overhear her parents' conversation. MRS BENNET (CONT'D) Do you not want to know who has taken it? MR BENNET As you wish to tell me, I doubt I have any choice in the matter... 2. 3 INT. LONGBOURN - CONTINUOUS. As Elizabeth walks through the hallway, we hear the sound of piano scales plodding through the afternoon. She walks down the entrance hall past the room where Mary, 18, the bluestocking of the family, is practising, and finds Kitty, 16, the second youngest, and Lydia, 15, the precocious baby of the family, are listening at the door to the library. LYDIA (TO ELIZABETH) Have you heard? A Mr Bingley, a young man from the North of England, has come down on Monday in a chaise and four. KITTY With five thousand a year! Jane, (the eldest, most beautiful and most charmingly naive of the girls), joins them at the door. JANE Goodness! LYDIA - and he's single to be sure! INT. LIBRARY - LONGBOURN - CONTINUOUS. Mr Bennet is trying to ignore Mrs Bennet. MRS BENNET What a fine thing for our girls! MR BENNET Bow can it affect them? MRS BENNET My dear Mr Bennet, how can you be so tiresome! You know that he must marry one of them. MR BENNET Oh, so that is his design in settling here? Mr Bennet takes a book from his table and walks out of the library into the corridor where the girls are gathered, Mrs Bennet following. 4 INT. CORRIDOR - LONGBOURN - THE SAME. Mr Bennet walks through the girls to the drawing room pursued by Mrs Bennet. 3. MRS BENNET - So you must go and visit him at once. 5 INT. DRAWING ROOM - LONGBOURN - THE SAME. 5 Mr Bennet walks to the bookshelf to replace the book he is carrying. Mary is there practising the piano. The girls come in to listen. LYDIA Oh, yes, Papa. KITTY Please, Papa! MR BENNET There is no need, for I already have. The piano stops. A frozen silence. They all stare. MRS BENNET You have? JANE when? MRS BENNET • How can you tease me, Mr Bennet. You have no compassion for my poor nerves? MR BENNET You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for them; they are my constant companions these twenty years. MRS BENNET Is he amiable? KITTY Is he handsome? LYDIA He's sure to be handsome. ELIZABETH (IRONICALLY) With five thousand a year, it would not matter if he had a big pink face. MR BENNET I will give my hearty consent to his marrying whichever of the girls he chooses. LYDIA So will he come to the ball tomorrow? 4. MR BENNET I believe so. Lydia and Kitty shriek with excitement. KITTY (TO JANE) I have to have your spotted muslin, please! LYDIA I need it! KITTY - if you do, I'll lend you my green slippers. Mr Bennet winks at Elizabeth and turns to Mary, a serious, somewhat pedantic young woman. MR BENNET And what do you say, Mary? Are you not excited by the prospect of a ball? MARY Society has claims on us all, Papa. As long as I have my mornings to myself, I consider an interval of recreation and • amusement as quite desirable. Elizabeth laughs. 6 INT. ASSEMBLY ROOMS -- MERYTON VILLAGE - NIGHT. The local subscription dance is in full swing. It's a rough-and-ready, though enthusiastic affair...yeoman farmers, small-time squires with their ruddy-cheeked daughters. Lydia and Kitty, with their mother, are fussing over their clothes - straightening their dresses, tidying their hair and so on. LYDIA (fussing over her dress) I literally can't breathe its so tight. KITTY My toes hurt. Elizabeth and Jane are a little apart from their family. Jane looks breathtaking. 0 5. ELIZABETH • Well, if every man in this room does not end the evening completely in love with you then I am no judge of beauty. JANE Or men. ELIZABETH Oh, they are far too easy to judge. JANE They are not all bad. ELIZABETH Humourless poppycocks, in my limited experience. JANE One of these days, Lizzie, someone will catch your eye and then you'll have to watch your tongue. ELIZABETH And eat my hat. She stops speaking. And stares. A dazzling group enters the room: George Bingley, 25, a good hearted soul but • prone to bumbling embarrassment when his enthusiasms get the better of him, his sister Caroline, 23, a victim of every latest fashion, counting herself superior to most company she encounters, and finally, Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy, 27, dashing, brooding with an introversion which could be misconstrued as hauteur. They are dressed in the highest fashion. Darcy surveys the hall. He catches Elizabeth's eye. She stares, with a kind of surprised shock. Jane notices and looks at Darcy. He turns away. JANE Luckily, you are not wearing a hat. A hush falls as the local people turn to stare. The newcomers - creatures from another world - make quite a stir. CUT TO: Caroline Bingley, standing next to Darcy, gazes at the somewhat provincial gathering with distaste. CAROLINE BINGLEY We are a long way from Grosvenor Square, are we not, Mr Darcy? He does indeed look superior to the assembled company. On the dance floor a young couple, staring at the newcomers, trip over each other, stumble and burst out laughing. 6. Mr Bingley spots Jane Bennet. For a moment he forgets himself and openly looks at her. MR BINGLEY I find it very charming. CAROLINE BINGLEY (TO DARCY) My brother is so easily pleased, is he not? Darcy does not answer. CUT TO: Elizabeth has found her great friend Charlotte Lucas - an intelligent, sensible woman in her late twenties. They spy through the crowd. ELIZABETH So which of the painted peacocks is our Mr Bingley? CHARLOTTE He is on the right, and on the left is his sister. ELIZABETH And the person with the disagreeable expression? CHARLOTTE That is his good friend, Mr Darcy. ELIZABETH Poor soul. CHARLOTTE On the contrary, he has ten thousand a year and owns half of Derbyshire. CUT TO: Sir William Lucas, 53 a hale but unsophisticated member of the self-made gentry, takes it upon himself to introduce Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy to his daughter Charlotte and the Bennet family. SIR WILLIAM (to Mr Bingley) My eldest daughter you know, Mrs Bennet ...miss Jane Bennet, Elizabeth and Miss Mary Bennet. MRS BENNET It is a pleasure. I have two others but 40 they are already dancing. 7. MR BINGLEY Delighted to make your acquaintance. €� SIR WILLIAM And may I introduce Mr Darcy. (SIGNIFICANT LOOK) -- of Pemberley, in Derbyshire! A stiff bow from Darcy, Elizabeth smiles, Darcy does not. CUT TO: Moments later. Elizabeth is standing in a small group with Jane, Bingley, Miss Bingley and Darcy. Bingley can't keep his eyes off Jane, but is frightfully at a loss in disguising his instant ardour. ELIZABETH How do you like it here in Hertfordshire, Mr Bingley? MR BINGLEY (smiling at Jane shyly) Very much. ELIZABETH The library at Netherfield, I've heard, is one of the finest in the country. €� MR BINGLEY Yes, it fills me with guilt. He looks at Jane a little blush starts around his collar. BINGLEY Not a good reader, you see. I like being out of doors. I mean, I can read, of COURSE - His sister steps in. as the blush threatens to engulf his ears. MISS BINGLEY (TO DARCY) Your library at Pemberly, Mr Darcy, is astonishingly good. DARCY Thank you. It is the work of many generations. MISS BINGLEY And then you have added so much to it yourself. 0 8. JANE I wish I read more, but there always seems so many other things to do. BINGLEY That's exactly what I meant. He beams at Jane. CUT TO: Mr and Mrs Bennet stand a little apart from Elizabeth and the other young people. Lydia and Kitty bound up to them in a state of high excitement. LYDIA Mama! The regiment is arriving next week! KITTY And will be here for the whole winter! Mrs Forster told us! LYDIA They're going to be stationed in the village! CUT TO: Mr Bingley'turns to Jane. MR BINGLEY May I have the honour? They leave, to dance. ELIZABETH Do you dance Mr Darcy? DARCY Not if I can help it. Elizabeth, Darcy and Miss Bingley stand in silence as they over hear the following... CUT TO: LYDIA officers! Lots of officers! KITTY How will we meet them? LYDIA It's easy. You just walk up and down in front of them and drop something. Lydia pantomimes the actions for Kitty. 9. LYDIA • They pick it up. You say 'oh thank you sir' and blush prettily and then you're introduced! MR BENNET I have long suspected that we have two of the silliest girls in the county. MRS BENNET Oh Mr Bennet! I remember the time when I liked a red coat myself, and if a smart young colonel with six thousand a year should want one of my girls I shall not say nay to him. Mr Darcy overhears this. Profoundly embarrassed, Lizzie moves away. CUT TO: The dance floor. Mr Bingley is dancing with Jane. His ears blushing with thrilled embarrassment. Mrs Bennet, with a group of other mothers, watches the young couple with rather too obvious satisfaction. MRS BENNET 7 That dress becomes her, does it not. 7 • Though of course my Jane needs little help from couturiers. Elizabeth wanders through the throng. She looks at Bingley and Jane ending the dance - she is coy and demure, he clearly smitten - CUT TO: Darcy is joined by Bingley exhilarated by the dance. BINGLEY Come Darcy, I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing by yourself in this stupid manner. MR DARCY (shakes his head) You know how I detest it. MR BINGLEY Upon my word, I've never seen so many pretty girls in my life. DARCY You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room. €� 10. BINGLEY Oh, she is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld, but her sister Elizabeth is very agreeable. They have stopped at the edge of the dance floor and have not seen Elizabeth and charlotte who are standing close behind them. Elizabeth smirks as she overhears their conversation. DARCY Perfectly tolerable, I dare say, but not handsome enough to tempt me. Elizabeth's smile drops. DARCY (CONT'D) You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me. Bingley goes off. CUT TO: Elizabeth and Charlotte, who have overheard Darcy and Bingley's exchange. CHARLOTTE Ignore him, Lizzie, he is such a disagreeable man it would be a misfortune to be liked by him. ELIZABETH Don't worry. I would not dance with him for half of Derbyshire. CUT TO: Later. Bingley politely dancing with Charlotte. As he does so, he catches sight of Jane dancing with somebody else. A look of pure longing, but he cannot dance every dance with her. Lizzie too is dancing and clocks this. Lydia and Kitty are exuberantly dancing too, laughing and chatting. Darcy stands watching, a look of infinitely superior boredom on his fine features. CUT TO: Bingley is standing with Jane, Elizabeth, Mrs Bennet and Darcy. BINGLEY (TO LIZZIE) Your friend Miss Lucas is a most amusing young woman. 11. ELIZABETH • Yes! I adore her. MRS BENNET It is a pity she is not more handsome. ELIZABETH Mama! MRS BENNET But Lizzie will never admit she is plain. (TO BINGLEY) Of course it's my Jane who's considered the beauty of the county. JANE Oh, Mama, please! MRS BENNET When she was only fifteen there was a gentleman so much in love with her that I was sure he would make her an offer. However, he did write her some very pretty verses. ELIZABETH (IMPATIENTLY) And so ended their affection. I wonder • who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love? DARCY I thought that poetry was the food of love. ELIZABETH Of a fine, stout love it may. Everything nourishes what is strong already. But if it is only a thin, slight sort of inclination, I'm convinced that one good sonnet will starve it away entirely. Darcy looks at Elizabeth with surprise. A glimmering of interest. DARCY So what do you recommend, to encourage affection? ELIZABETH Oh dancing, of course. Even if ones partner is barely tolerable. She gives him a dazzling smile. Darcy looks startled. He has no idea she heard him. He blushes. €� CUT TO: 12. Elizabeth is dancing happily in a round, Jane and Bingley • are also in the same dance. At the edge of the dance floor Darcy is watching. 7 INT. BEDROOM -- LONGBOURN - NIGHT. 7 Elizabeth and Jane are both tucked up in the same bed, but are too excited to sleep. JANE Mr Bingley is just what a young man ought to be. Sensible, good humoured - ELIZABETH (completing the list) Handsome, conveniently rich - JANE You know perfectly well I do not believe marriage should be driven by thoughts of money. ELIZABETH I agree entirely, only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony, which is why I will end up an old maid. JANE Do you really believe he liked me, Lizzie? ELIZABETH Jane, he danced with you most of the night. JANE I was flattered, I must admit. I did not expect such a compliment. ELIZABETH That is one great difference between us. Compliments always take you by surprise. Well, Mr Bingley is certainly very amiable, and I give you leave to like him. You've liked many a stupider person. JANE Lizzie! ELIZABETH You're a great deal too apt to like people in general, you know. All the world is good and agreeable in your eyes. 0 13. €� JANE Not his friend. I still cannot believe what he said about you. ELIZABETH Mr Darcy? I could more easily forgive his vanity had he not wounded mine. But no matter. I doubt we shall ever speak again. She blows out the candle. 8 INT. BREAKFAST ROOM - LONGBOURN - DAY. 8 Mrs Bennet presides over breakfast with an endless description of the ball. Mary is doing some needle work, whilst Lydia, Kitty and Jane blearily eat. MRS BENNET And then he danced the third with Miss Lucas. Poor thing, it is a shame she is not more handsome. The fourth with a Miss King of little standing. And the fifth again with Jane. MR BENNET • If he'd had any compassion for me he would have sprained his ankle in the first dance. MRS BENNET Oh, Mr Bennet! Anybody would think the girls looked forward to a grand inheritance. Elizabeth rolls her eyes at Mr Bennet, they've heard this speech many times before. MR BENNET (NOT LISTENING) Kitty, be so kind as to pass the butter. MRS BENNET As you well know, Mr Bennet, when you die, which may in fact be very soon, our girls will be left without a roof over their head nor a penny to their name. ELIZABETH Oh Mother, please! It's ten in the morning. Mrs Hill enters the room and interrupts Mrs Bennet's • babbling. 14. MRS HILL • A letter addressed to Miss Bennet, Ma'arn. From Netherfield Hall. MRS BENNET Praise the Lord! We are saved. Mrs Hill gives the letter to Jane. MRS BENNET (CONT'D) Make haste, Jane, make haste. 0 happy day! JANE It is from Miss Bingley. Mrs Bennet is stopped in her tracks. JANE (CONT'D) She has invited me to dine with her. (PAUSE) Her brother will be dining out. MRS BENNET This is most unfortunate. LYDIA I didn't think he was so good looking anyway. JANE Can I take the carriage? MRS BENNET Certainly not my dear, you will go to Netherfield on horse back. JANE Horseback?! Mrs Bennet leaves with a secret smile on her lips. 9 EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY. 9 Jane rides through the countryside, A distant rumble of thunder. She looks up... 10 EXT. FIELD - DAY. 10 An open book. Plop plop! Raindrops fall on it. Drawing back, we see Lizzie walking through a field, reading. She looks up to the sky... 0 15. 0 11 EXT. LONGBOURN - DAY. 11 Mrs Bennet stands at the kitchen door. A boy is delivering meat. It starts to rain. She puts out her hand, to check. MRS BENNET (smiles, satisfied) Ah, good... The housekeeper, Mrs Hill, who is with her, looks bemused at her mistress's reaction. 12 EXT. GARDEN - DAY. 12 A louder rumble of thunder. A washerwoman hastily pulls clothes from a line...it's bucketing down heavily now... 13 EXT. MERYTON VILLAGE - DAY. 13 In the local.village people run for cover; shopkeepers cover up their wares... • 14 EXT. LONGBOURN - DAY. 14 Mr and Mrs Bennet look out at the pouring rain. MRS BENNET Excellent. Now she will have to stay the night. Exactly as I predicted. MR BENNET Good grief, woman. Your skills in the art of match-making are without question. ELIZABETH Though I don't think, mama, you can reasonably take credit for making it rain. Let's hope she hasn't caught her death before she gets there. 15 INT. NETHERFIELD - DAY. 15 A footman opens the great doors to find Jane standing there soaked. she sneezes. 16 INT. DRAWING ROOM - LONGBOURN - DAY. 16 • Elizabeth reads a letter. 16. ELIZABETH • "And my kind friends will not hear of me returning home until I am better -- but do not be alarmed excepting a sore throat, a. fever, and a headache there is nothing wrong with me." This is ridiculous. MR BENNET Well, my dear, if your daughter does die it will be a comfort to know it was all in pursuit of Mr Bingley. MRS BENNET People do not die of colds. ELIZABETH Though she might well perish with the shame of having such a mother. Mr Bennet laughs. ELIZABETH I am going to Netherfield at once. MRS BENNET Nonsense, the horse is with Jane. And the girls took the carriage to town. ELIZABETH Then I will walk there. We should not leave Jane alone in her condition. MRS BENNET Walk! You will not be fit to be seen by the time you get there. MR BENNET Why the devil not. We could have them all laid up at Netherfield Hall. ELIZABETH I will be fit for Jane which is all I care about. 17 EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY. 17 Elizabeth strides across vast muddy fields, slipping as she goes. Netherfield is in view on the horizon. She stops to take it in, then carries on down an even more muddy track. 18 INT. NETHERFIELD -- BREAKFAST ROOM - DAY. €� In the large grand dining room Caroline Bingley and Darcy are eating breakfast. 17. Its very formal, in fact frigid, compared to the volatile Bennet household. Darcy is reading the • newspaper; Caroline Bingley is reading a letter. CAROLINE BINGLEY (puts down the letter) Apparently, Lady Bathurst is redecorating her ballroom in the French style. A little unpatriotic, don't you think? Mr Darcy is about to answer when the door opens. A footman appears, his face rigid with disapproval. FOOTMAN Miss Elizabeth Bennet. Lizzie comes in, her face flushed, her skirt covered in mud. She looks ravishing. Darcy stares at her, then quickly rises to his feet. Caroline Bingley, astonished, looks her up and down. CAROLINE BINGLEY Good Lord, Miss Bennet. Have you walked here? ELIZABETH I'm so sorry. How is my sister? DARCY (MORE KINDLY) She's upstairs. (TO FOOTMAN) Show Miss Bennet the way, Alfred. Lizzie leaves. A beat. CAROLINE BINGLEY Goodness, did you see her petticoat? Six inches deep in mud! No response. CAROLINE BINGLEY And her hair, so blowsy and untidy! DARCY I think her concern for her sister does her credit. A little pause, Caroline recovers. CAROLINE BINGLEY Oh yes, its shocking to have a bad cold. I dislike excessively being ill myself. 0 18. • 19 INT. NETHERFIELD LANDING - DAY. I Elizabeth is taken upstairs. Bingley, looking tense, waits outside her sister's room. His face lights up when he sees her. BINGLEY Miss Elizabeth! Oh I'm so glad to see you A doctor comes out of Jane's room. ELIZABETH AND BINGLEY (TOGETHER) How is she? DOCTOR A violent cold, but we shall get the better of it. 20 INT. NETHERFIELD - JANE'S BEDROOM - DAY. 20 Elizabeth goes into the bedroom where Jane lies in bed, feverish and ill. ELIZABETH Jane! Jane's face lights up. Elizabeth kisses her. JANE Lizzie! Oh, your face is so cold. They're being so kind to me, I feel such a terrible imposition. ELIZABETH Don't worry. I don't know who is more pleased at your being here, Mama or Mr Bingley. Bingley comes in having attended to the doctor. ELIZABETH (CONT'D) Thank you for tending to my sister so diligently, it seems she is in better comfort here than she would be at home. BINGLEY It is a pleasure, I mean not to see her so sick, of course, that's terrible. I will have a room made up for you. You must be our guest here until Jane recovers. €� 19. €� 21 INT. DRAWING ROOM - NETHERFIELD -- DAY. 21 Darcy is quietly reading as Bingley paces about anxiously. Caroline berates him from the sofa. CAROLINE BINGLEY Stay!? She is a perfectly sweet girl but save being an excellent walker, there is very little to recommend her. BINGLEY I thought she showed remarkable spirit coming all this way. CAROLINE BINGLEY The eldest Miss Bennet, as you know, I hold in excessive regard and I wish her well settled. Though I do fear with her families low connections there is little chance of it. Their uncle is in trade, you know, in Cheapside. BINGLEY If they had uncles enough to fill all Cheapside it would not make them one jot less agreeable. 22 EXT. GARDEN -- LONGBOURN - DAY. 22 Mr Bennet is overseeing the gardener who is pruning the hedge. Mrs Bennet bustles up. She looks very pleased with herself. MRS BENNET Well, my dear, its all going according to plan. He's half in love with her already! MR BENNET (a touch disingenuously) Who, my sweetest? MRS BENNET Mr Bingley! And he doesn't mind that she hasn't a penny, for he has enough for the two of them. Suddenly a distant trumpet sounds, dogs bark. The militia are arriving. Lydia and Kitty rush past. They are dressed up to the nines to greet the officers. Mrs Bennet's face lights up. • MRS BENNET Wait for me! 20. And she's gone. Mr Bennet gazes at their departing • figures. 23 EXT. MERYTON VILLAGE - DAY. 23 Mrs Bennet and her two daughters rush down the street into the village. Dogs bark, children run alongside as a regiment of soldiers march through the street. Geese scatter; shopkeepers stand in their doorways. The two Bennet girls simper at the handsome young soldiers. Mrs Bennet, flushed and excited, runs panting behind them. Lydia deliberately drops her hankerchief. One of the soldiers stands on it. She is appalled. 24 INT. DRAWING ROOM - NETHERFIELD - EVENING. 24 Elizabeth is reading a book. Darcy is writing a letter. Bingley is sat nervously. Caroline, obviously bored, wanders the room looking for distraction. She looks over Darcy's shoulder. CAROLINE BINGLEY You write uncommonly fast, Mr Darcy. MR DARCY (without looking up) • You are mistaken. I write rather slowly. Caroline Bingley lingers, annoyingly. CAROLINE BINGLEY How many letters you must have occasion to write, Mr Darcy. Letters of business too. How odious I should think them! DARCY It is fortunate, then, that they fall to my lot instead of yours. CAROLINE BINGLEY Please tell your sister that I long to see her. DARCY I have already told her once, by your desire. Lizzie looks across from her book. CAROLINE BINGLEY I do dote on her, I was quite in raptures at her beautiful little design for a table. €� 21. DARCY €� Perhaps you will give me leave to defer your raptures till I write again. At present I have not enough room to do them justice. Mr Bingley now pacing anxiously around the room. MR BINGLEY Its amazing, how young ladies have the patience to be so accomplished. CAROLINE BINGLEY What do you mean, Charles? MR BINGLEY They all paint tables, and embroider cushions and play the piano. I never heard of a young lady, but people say she is accomplished. DARCY The word is indeed applied too liberally. I cannot boast of knowing more than half a dozen women, in all my acquaintance, that are truely accomplished. • CAROLINE BINGLEY Nor I, to be sure! ELIZABETH Goodness! You must comprehend a great deal in the idea. DARCY I do. CAROLINE BINGLEY Absolutely. She must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing and the modern languages, to deserve the word. And something in her air and manner of walking. DARCY And of course she must improve her mind by extensive reading. Elizabeth closes her book. ELIZABETH i am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any. €� DARCY Are you so severe on your own sex? 22. ELIZABETH • I never saw such a woman. She would certainly be a fearsome thing to behold. Pause. Darcy goes back to his letter. Caroline Bingley picks up a book. Pauses. Puts it down. she walks over to LIZZIE_ CAROLINE BINGLEY Miss Bennet, let us take a turn about the room. Lizzie, surprised, gets up. Caroline Bingley links her arm and they start walking up and down. CAROLINE BINGLEY (CONT'D) It's refreshing, is it not, after sitting so long in one attitude? ELIZABETH And it's a small kind of accomplishment, I suppose. Darcy meets Lizzie's eye, briefly. He goes back to his letter-writing. More walking up and down. Caroline Bingley turns to Darcy. CAROLINE BINGLEY Mr Darcy, will you join us? DARCY (shakes his head) You can only have two motives, Miss Bingley, and I would interfere with either. CAROLINE BINGLEY (to Lizzie, archly) What can he mean? ELIZABETH Our surest way of disappointing him will be to ask nothing about it. CAROLINE BINGLEY (TO DARCY) Please tell us! DARCY Either you are in each other's confidence and have secret affairs to discuss, or you are conscious that your figures appear to the greatest advantage by walking. If the first, I should get in your way. If the second, I can admire you • much better from here. 23. • CAROLINE BINGLEY Oh, shocking! How shall we punish him for such a speech? ELIZABETH We could always tease him. CAROLINE BINGLEY Oh no, Mr Darcy is not to be laughed at! ELIZABETH Are you too proud, Mr Darcy? And would you consider that a fault? DARCY That I couldn't say. ELIZABETH For we're trying to find a fault in you. DARCY Maybe it's that I find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offences against myself. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever. ELIZABETH • Oh dear, I cannot tease you about that. What a shame, for I dearly love to laugh. CAROLINE BINGLEY (SMALL SMILE) A family trait I think. Elizabeth smiles, sweetly. Miss Bingley glances at Darcy. 25 TNT. BEDROOM -- NETHERFIELD - MORNING. 25 Elizabeth wakes up next to Jane. 26 EXT. COUNTRYSIDE -- DAY. 26 Darcy gallops through the countryside. 27 EXT. STABLE YARD - NETHERFIELD - DAY. 27 Darcy, exhausted, rides into the stable yard. In the corner is a trough and pump. He strides up to the pump, puts his head under it and douses himself with cold water. 0 24. • 28 INT/EXT. BEDROOM/STABLE YARD -- NETHERFIELD - THE SAME. 21 From a window Elizabeth looks out at Darcy. Darcy looks up and for a second catches Elizabeth looking down at him. She turns from the window. Jane is waking up. ELIZABETH Jane, do you think you might feel well enough to leave today? 29 INT. DRAWING ROOM - NETHERFIELD - DAY. 29 The doors open. The Butler as before: BUTLER A Mrs Bennet, a Miss Bennet, a Miss Bennet and a Miss Bennet, sir. CAROLINE BINGLEY Are we to receive every Bennet in the country? Mrs Bennet, Lydia, Mary and Kitty are introduced to Caroline, Bingley and Darcy. Elizabeth holds her breath as her mother launches into untold gaucheries. MRS BENNET What an excellent room you have sir. Such expensive furnishings. I hope you intend to stay here, Mr Bingley. BINGLEY Absolutely I find the country very diverting. Don't you agree, Darcy? DARCY I find it perfectly adequate even if society is a little less varied than in town. MRS BENNET But I assure you there is quite as much going on in the country as there is in the town. ELIZABETH Indeed Mania, I think Mr Darcy merely meant there were not such a variety of people to be met in the country as there are in town, which you must acknowledge to be true. €� 25. • MRS BENNET Nonsense, we dine with four and twenty families. Sir William Lucas for instance is a very agreeable man. So very genteel and easy. Elizabeth cringes. LYDIA Mr Bingley, is it true that you have promised to hold a ball here at Netherfield? BINGLEY Well... LYDIA It would be an excellent way to meet new friends. You could invite the militia. KITTY Oh do hold a ball. ELIZABETH (trying to stop Bingley being BAMBOOZLED) Kitty... BINGLEY When your sister has recovered you shall name the day. MARY I think a Ball is a perfectly irrational way to gain new acquaintance. It would be better if conversation instead of dancing were the order of the day. CAROLINE BINGLEY Indeed much more rational but rather less like a ball. ELIZABETH Thank you, Mary. BINGLEY (to Mrs Bennet) Please let me show you to Jane, you will find her quite recovered. CUT TO: 0 26. 30 EXT. DRIVE -- NETHERFIELD - DAY. The Bennet's carriage awaits. The Bingley's are gathered to see the Bennet's off. Jane is radiant - in the peak of health. JANE (to the Bingley's) Really, I don't know how to thank you. Bingley beams bashfully. He can't take his eyes off her. BINGLEY Really, you're welcome anytime you feel the least bit poorly. ELIZABETH (TO CAROLINE) Thank you for such stimulating company. It has been most instructive. CAROLINE BINGLEY Not at all. The pleasure is all mine. Elizabeth looks at Darcy, who does not say anything. She gets in the carriage. ELIZABETH Mr Darcy. DARCY Miss Bennet. They share a look as Elizabeth joins the rest of the Bennets in the carriage. The driver takes off. Bingley waves enthusiastically to Jane. BINGLEY Goodbye. Goodbye. 31 INT. CARRIAGE - LEAVING NETHERFIELD - THE SAME. 31 The family are all squeezed in rather too tightly. MRS BENNET What a high and mighty man that Mr Darcy is, quite eaten up with pride. 32 EXT. MERYTON - DAY. 3 The Bennet's carriage is stopped in its tracks by the Militia who are marching en masse through town. 27. • 33 INT. CARRIAGE - MERYTON - DAY. 33 Lydia cannot believe her eyes as row after row of soldiers pass by the carriage with not a few of the men looking in at the Bennet girls with some interest. LYDIA I can't believe it, there must be a thousand of them. Leading the one troupe of Militia is Wickham a very handsome blonde officer, Lydia spots him and swoons. ELIZABETH (to the coachman) Please, drive on. 34 INT. LONGBOURN - HERTFORDSHIRE - DAY. 34 As the Bennet girls come into the house, Lydia eulogizing the Militia, they meet Mr Bennet. MR BENNET I hope, my dear, that you have ordered a good dinner today, because I have reason to expect an addition to our family €� party. Mr Bennet holds up the letter. 35 INT. CARRIAGE - COMING THROUGH MERYTON - DAY. 35 Collins, late twenties, an overweening sychophant, nervous and unctuous in equal measure. He sits in his black garb, hunched uncomfortably as he comes through town. COLLINS (V.O.) "Dear sir, the disagreement subsisting between yourself and my late father over the entail to me of the Longbourn estate, has long been a subject of much torment which I have frequently wished to heal. Having received ordination this Easter and being so fortunately distinguished by the patronage of the Right Honorable Lady Catherine de Bourgh..." Collins' voice fades out as his carriage wipes through frame revealing Elizabeth and Charlotte on their way to the butchers. 0 28. LIZZIE • His name is Mr Collins. He's the dreaded cousin. CHARLOTTE Who's to inherit? LIZZIE Indeed. Everything, apparently. He may leave us our stays, but even my piano stool belongs to Mr Collins. CHARLOTTE When? LIZZIE He can turn us out of the house as soon as he pleases. CHARLOTTE But why? LIZZIE Because the estate is entailed to him and not to us poor females. A cart passes, crammed with sheep going to slaughter. 36 INT. HALLWAY - LONGBOURN -- DAY. 36 Mr Collins is ushered in by the manservant, Perkins. He looks around his future home with interest. Mr and Mrs Bennet greet him. MR COLLINS (DEEP BOW ) Mr Collins, at your service. (LOOKS AROUND) What a charming house! So convenient for the local village. (looks at the furniture) And some very fine pieces, if I'm not mistaken. A beat. This is hardly tactful. MRS BENNET (COLDLY) They are. Jane, Lizzie and Mary enter. MR COLLINS Ah, these are your daughters, are they not? 29. MR BENNET We have some more somewhere. MR COLLINS I must congratulate you. I have heard much of their beauty, but in this instance fame has fallen short of the truth. A very low bow. The girls are somewhat taken aback. 37 INT. DINING ROOM -- NETHERFIELD - EVENING. 37 The Bennets and Collins are seated formally for supper. Mr Collins is served some food. COLLINS What a superbly featured room and what excellent boiled potatoes. It is many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable. To which of my fair cousins should I compliment the excellence of the cooking? MRS BENNET Mr Collins, we are perfectly able to keep a cook. €� COLLINS Excellent. I am very pleased the estate affords such a living. I am honoured to have, as my patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourg, you have heard of her, I presume? Mrs Bennet shakes her head. MR COLLINS My small rectory abuts her estate, Rosings Park, and she often condescends to drive by my humble abode in her little phaeton and ponies. A pause. Lizzie catches her father's eye. MRS BENNET Does she have any family? MR COLLINS One daughter, the heiress of Rosings and very extensive property. I have often observed to Lady Catherine, that her daughter seemed born to be a duchess for she has all the superior graces of • elevated rank. (LITTLE COUGH) (MORE) 30. MR COLLINS (cont'd) .These are the kind of little delicate compliments that are always acceptable to 1�1 ladies, and which I conceive myself particularly bound to pay. MR BENNET (GRAVELY) How happy for you, Mr Collins, to possess the talent for flattering with delicacy. Mr Collins nods with satisfaction. ELIZABETH Do these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment or are they the result of previous study? Jane kicks Elizabeth under the table. Elizabeth tries not to laugh at Mr Collins' answer. MR COLLINS They arise chiefly from what is passing at the time, and though I sometimes amuse myself with arranging such little elegant compliments, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible. ELIZABETH Believe me, no one would suspect your manners to be practised. The girls look at one another. COLLINS After dinner I thought I might read to you all an hour or two. I have with me Fordyce's sermons which speak eloquently on this point. (TO JANE) Do you know Fordyce's sermons Miss Bennet? 38 INT. CORRIDOR -- LONGBOURN - THE SAME. 38 Later; we can see the girls and Mr Bennet gathered by the fire through the doorway. Mr Collins leaves the room and takes Mrs Bennet aside to a very discrete conference, out of hearing of anyone else. COLLINS Mrs Bennet. You do know I have been bestowed by the good grace of Lady Catherine de Bough a parsonage of no mean size. • MRS BENNET I have become aware of the fact. 31. COLLINS • Well, it.is my avowed hope that soon I may find a mistress for it, and I have to inform you that the eldest Miss Bennet has captured my special attention. Collins looks lasciviously into the room. MRS BENNET Mr Collins, unfortunately it is incumbent on me to hint that the eldest Miss Bennet is - very soon to be engaged. COLLINS Engaged! MRS BENNET But Miss Elizabeth next to her in both age and beauty would make anyone an excellent partner. Do not you agree, Mr Collins? Mr Collins looks through the doorway at Elizabeth COLLINS Indeed. Indeed. A very agreeable alternative. €� 39 EXT. BACK MEADOW - LONGBOURN - DAY. 39 Elizabeth and Jane are walking towards the house when, across the moat, they see Mr Collins come out of the house and advance towards them. ELIZABETH Oh no! Mx Collins spots them and darts through a door in the garden wall and hurries towards the bridge to meet them. ELIZABETH Quick! This way! She pulls Jane across the duck board spanning the moat, through the house and out the front. Mr Collins doubles back and follows them into the house. The girls are no-where to be seen. He looks around, puzzled. 40 EXT. MERYTON VILLAGE - DAY. 40 • Elizabeth and Jane arrive in the village. Jane, forever the dutiful daughter, looks uneasy- Elizabeth is flushed and reckless. She looks behind them- 32. ELIZABETH (LAUGHS) €� We've lost him. They slow down to a walk. And then stop. outside the milliner's shop the incorrigible Lydia and Kitty are chatting to Wickham, the dashing young officer we spotted earlier. He is utterly gorgeous - slim, handsome, tousled hair. The perfect romantic hero. ELIZABETH Kitty? Lydia! She and Jane join them. LYDIA We just happened to be looking for some ribbon, didn't we, Kitty? (KITTY NODS) And we met Mr Wickham. KITTY He picked up Lydia's gloves! LYDIA He's a lieutenant! Wickham bows. WICKHAM I'm enchanted. Shall we all look at some ribbons together? LYDIA Oh yes! 41 INT. MILLINER'S SHOP - DAY. 41 They come into the shop. The others go towards the counter. Wickham hangs back, and smiles a complicit, witty smile at Elizabeth. She colours. WICKHAM Though I must warn you, I have very poor taste. ELIZABETH (SMILES) Only a man truly confident of himself would admit that. WICKHAM No, it's true. My rooms in town, decorated, I thought, in the height of • fashion, have reduced grown men to tears of mirth. 33. ELIZABETH' €� (LAUGHS) Then why don't you change them? MR WICKHAM And deny people such pleasure? ELIZABETH So you don't mind being laughed at? MR WICKHAM Not particularly. ELIZABETH It is a somewhat sterile quality, is it not, to be aware of ones importance in the world. WICKHAM Especially if, like me, one has none. Elizabeth looks at him with interest. A beat. The moment is broken by Lydia coming up. LYDIA Lizzie, please lend me some money! ELIZABETH €� You already owe me a considerable sum, Liddy. MR WICKHAM Allow me to oblige. ELIZABETH No! Please - Mr Wickham! - Wickham gives Elizabeth a smile and moves away to the counter. 42 EXT. MILLINER'S SHOP - DAY. 42 The girls emerge from the shop with Wickham. ELIZABETH You're too generous. WICKHAM I know. Fivepence halfpenny! ELIZABETH It all adds up. €� LYDIA I'll pay him back. 34. WICKHAM Oh yes. I'll make sure of that. €� They laugh. Elizabeth is really rather taken with him. They walk down the street. ELIZABETH Will you be stationed here all winter, Mr Wickham? WICKHAM That depends on what the French have in mind. Of course I look forward to action... (smiles at her) But on the other hand JANE Lizzie - look! They stop. Jane's face lights up. JANE Mr Bingley ! It is indeed Bingley, riding towards them. He is accompanied by Darcy. • Bingley jumps off his horse and hurries over to Jane. His open, friendly face is filled with delight. BINGLEY I was on my way to your house. LYDIA - Please Mr Bingley, when are you going to give a ball? JANE Lydia! BINGLEY I was just waiting until your sister was quite well.- LYDIA She is! Elizabeth pays no attention to the

I am going to do it. I have made up my mind. These are the first few words of the new… the best … the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe! This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon 🙂 ] seems normal, right? But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon 😉 ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger (more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you , like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question. “can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble} “Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh…..heeeheehe..hehe… sigh. I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite! i hate cheese and onion.))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends) so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then i… umm… yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before? that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do it better. i will… drum roll please … badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypichypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60 integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy… hey hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on flipnote hatena, which is now shut down 😦 ) what if one day they get rid of the qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life, called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be an eternity, and i finally got to… are you ready … arial black. yep, that was my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon, but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow! you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you… get a gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand sandwiches. if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly… WORSE than you imagined! gotta go… im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking… HoW DoEs He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is… i don’t. that’s right. this isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) . section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now, i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY! THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs, aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming “MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person! free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era, the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again. (yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn, raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean). finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places). and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway, gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know, Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf… Hell Ome Ine Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.) ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR: 8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com [i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy 😉 (WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve… SEEN YE ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? 😉 (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN! I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! 😉 MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED} 😉 kills -> 🙂 —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed; transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/__<>___/_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang. somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,//,//,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,_/, /,//,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], //¥ //@//£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @// //|~|-|-|//€ |// @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []//|¥ @ |-|_///@// [@// _///|)£|~$-|-@//|). That was it. i know what your thinking (i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar 🙂 gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home. everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when suddenly… DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them (after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me (you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers. hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about? how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly. Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on? (There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking with bee mc wasp. *clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthewastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandheisreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long? Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause* Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well… That’s…. Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl* commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey! Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near you… (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] …Next Commercial… (Annoying Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do great things like… Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea! Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in background) ummm bob? … Yeap? … (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech … Oh, we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo…] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when… BOOM! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1 a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is panting and very tired (wait… He looks oddly familiar…)) the bee/wasp thing… It is stinging people! 😉 I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking… And fizzing… And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese, another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!) bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017 heheheheheheheheheheheh) ***THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very good mood and my writing may be affected *** what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm… Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!* (if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here! (Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct (speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow! UMM… WRONG ONE… HEHEHEH… WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy) Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana (replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche (pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad…ish) Steak (put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack) Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine (ewwww… STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries! Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchutessandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will unlock to the home screen. 4. Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the ‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo! I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for all that the illuminati … Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt? Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp, like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’? NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency. Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us! It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously! (I’m sorry 😦 *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males! We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists? Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of? Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a left with ‘od’. And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with ‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ” wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words” [the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you? And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy… I figured it out! Bill, no bee and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick. We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati, although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course? And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw! Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle. What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here… Gnats. What has a gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)! Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat, reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel. Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is replace every letter with a word. Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm, arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind, as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected. Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named dictionary.com. And now, a word from our sponsor. *Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a 100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free! That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee. Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole, shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader. Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say… but it is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok… whatever. You probably believe that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning bolt with a hand far away from you. When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension, you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei… This is making less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge. I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy, was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far than… Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge, free of charge! Send an email to rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com, inquiring. Also, you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com to the best of his ability (not including spam tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street. Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!! The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget… Forget……….. You drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of… of… an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea, that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With my mmmiiiinnnnddddd… woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking. I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle! They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like ‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment – ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation! (Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he? Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to – its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer. KK harold….. umm… this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i think so…. so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To… get… you… coffee, sir. Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a… Higher Calling. You… you m-m-mean that The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this… you… you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya… CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want… didn’t… di- it all makes sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir, our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only. One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just hear it! Ummm… this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe he… heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write) farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something. Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else! Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked. (The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the particle world is getting… Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen! Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre. Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and remember… barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also, there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened, right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write all o the funny things that happen in my life in here. So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life, so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again) And now you see, the zombies chinos like a… Well… A line.””why does the zombie look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids. That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying, ‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal (that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly… Like the rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is: get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That just sounded cool to say. I probably write about… 100 words a day. Well I started today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at rainbowfluffysheep123@gmail.com and tell me what the future’s like! The only problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end, making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced… We made it to the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER, THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time, raspberry pi). That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order, moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on. Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant? that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut in the inside… Cuz laptops are like two parts… You know? (and if you cut a grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001% share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces (mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000 home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day, five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents; they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX, StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515. That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well, it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall, which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain, Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange! Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT, people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why $ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just… a Thing that he does…” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm… Lets see. Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever…]{scene of old woman churning milk}[wanted to…]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie][“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!][wait… What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well… No, but anyway (shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as well][lets just add spring too][Th